Messy

I will meditate on your precepts
    and fix my eyes on your ways.
I will delight in your statutes;
    I will not forget your word. (Psalm 119:15-16)

Life feels so messy right now! Way messier than the kitchen mess my daughter made in this picture. A month ago I was in heaven, staying home every day, keeping a clean house, cuddling with my kid and my cats, playing piano whenever I wanted. Today? I'm back at the office full-time, my daughter seems to hate me (and I think I deserve it), my house is a wreck, and America is going to hell in a handbasket.

And even though the world seems to have blown off COVID-19, I'm still nervous about going to the gym, which means I'm not getting the daily exercise I need. My tendinitis has come back with a vengeance, and I can't play piano. My hip hurts, so it's hard to walk or run--so even if I did go to the gym, I'd be limited in what I could do.

I try to pray in the morning, and my mind is blank most days. Trying to pray is like looking at an insanely messy kitchen and having no idea what to start cleaning first.

My morning Bible-reading and studying has been steady as always, though, so that's good. But life is otherwise a mess.

My brain is a mess, too. I've imbibed far too much social media, far too much "news," over the past couple of weeks. I've read way too many articles. Listened to way too many podcasts. At the same time, many of those articles and podcasts have been helpful. I'd done a lot of thinking. Sharpened my mind. Figured out more about where I stand on the issues of the day. Changed my thinking in some ways while strengthening some already-held beliefs.

My book-reading is also a mess. I generally read a couple of books at a time, but now I have five or six going ... which means I have none going. Not counting the Bible, I pick up a different book four or five times a day and read in 5- to 10-minute snatches. Everything I'm reading is nonfiction, cultural-criticism type stuff--in other words, the same mess of stuff I'm reading online.

I don't feel a need to clean up the mess, necessarily. Like I said, there have been good aspects to the mess. But I do need to need to be able to navigate the mess for myself, to have a path through it and not become overwhelmed by all of the bombarding messages.

And the way to do that is to continue my morning quiet time, no matter how ridiculously early I have to wake up. The way to do that is to pray even when I don't have the words. The way to do that is to "meditate on [His] precepts" and "fix my eyes on [His] word."

To fix my eyes on His words. That's the only way I'm going to get through this mess.