Locks

Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)

Augusta Canal Headgates and Locks, Savannah Rapids Park

Today's word is "locks," and I have to say that I've felt creatively locked lately. Not blocked, but locked. The word "blocked" feels more temporary; there's a story or a poem or a book that wants to come out of my brain, and it will, if I just give it time. "Locked" implies more permanence: My creative spirit knows the door to my creativity is locked, so it's not even trying to get out.

Life has just felt very weird lately. I don't seem to be able to make time for thing things that are important to me. Every morning is supposed to be devoted to meditation, prayer, and Bible study. Lately there has been no meditation, and I feel like I'm rushing through prayer because of time. And while I've kept up with Bible study, I am often frustrated that there is no time to look up this commentary or that word history. There's so much I want to learn, and there just doesn't seem to be time.

And then there is piano. Why am I even pursuing this? I wonder. It's something I love, yes, but it takes me away from my family, and I have no dreams of every playing in front of people. After my last disastrous "performance" at church, I vowed never again. As it is, I don't even have time to practice the way I'd like--20 minutes here, 30 minutes a few days later. Piano lessons don't go well because I've practiced so little. Why am I doing this, other than because I truly love it?

I haven't exercised in months, beyond a short 20-minute walk here and there at work. My journal is collecting dust. I've made time for reading, but it's in snatches; I finally finished reading Live Not By Lies, but it took me nearly two months. I'm in two online book groups, and more often than not, I find myself speed-reading through the assigned chapters just a few minutes before logging into Zoom.

Why is this happening? Why is there no time? I keep asking myself this. I have work, of course, which I'm doing eight hours a day. And then about 50 minutes to an hour, total, of commuting. (It's on the commute that I listen to audio books and podcasts.) Then at home, it's laundry and some cleaning, and making dinner, and doing dishes. Making sure the kid gets her bath. And by 8:30 I'm ready to crash. I don't go to bed until 9:30 or later, usually after arguing with the kid over bedtime, but I do fall asleep quickly.

And at 5:00 a.m. I start all over.

I suspected my phone (specifically social media) was taking  up more of my time than I was willing to admit, so I've made an effort to keep it in a separate room--leaving it in the car when I'm at work, getting a clock radio so I'm no longer depending on my phone/alarm clock being in my bedroom at night. That's helped, but it still seems that the days fly without my having so much as a private thought.

I'm planning to take a hermeneutics course online starting in January, and I wonder if I'm crazy to do it. I have a strong feeling that God wants me to write. I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing; I just know that I'm supposed to be doing it. So why does it seem like my writing passion is locked away somewhere, inaccessible to me in all these roiling waters of my life?

It's not even that busy of a life. I've specifically and intentionally worked toward making life less busy, yet it seems I have even less time for writing than before.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry. I'm still feeling very uncertain about what it is God wants me to do, or be, and perhaps that's why my life and goals seem so amorphous of late. It's an uncertain time. One think I'm certain of, though, is that God does want to use me for something. Even if the knowledge of that something is locked away for now, I trust that God will make it known in due time. In the meantime, I'll continue to pray about it, and to wait and look for His guidance.